Monday, 20 February 2012

Dedicated to MY SHIVA -My as in very beloved one

The deep rooted connection I feel with myself is when I am in your thoughts , I can feel the magnetic connectivity where I am instantly drawn towards you Lord. 
When I look back my previous years and the way I have grown in your presence and the bonding developed over years amazes me.
My connection with you as a child began in blind faith and religious practice followed at home, the prayers, mantras along with the incense stick fragrance and your picture with matted hair with water lady, half crescent moon, snake around your neck, body smeared with ash and elephant skin amused me and there was this longing developed to see you in real and continued to grow inside me.
As the years added on I started to know you a little more each year and now I understand the word GOD stands for  (Generator, Operator and Destroyer).
The meaning of the Lingam and perfect sense to the way you are dressed and lots of other things.......

But it did not stop there, my quench to understand the entire creation process was still running in my head.... My questions and doubts on the ether world existence, unknown city of mystics why people fought for God, caste issues........ & at one point in time my thoughts of you are an alien and my sleepless nights in long discussion with myself on all these things drained me .....
I was not seeing you the way I used to see you,the ignorant faith had developed to seek things in scientific way and with reasoning I felt terrible pain as I could not connect the instant way I used to and on the other hand I was in intersecting point where I saw both the circles, faith and the reason and I felt lifted up and an inner sense of calmness drew upon me and felt THIS IS IT.

In this reasoning phase and madness inside my head grandpa's words made me sane. Grandpa used to say many things about you....he said just indulge don't question just surrender to him and you will understand all ...he is beyond reason but now I know and feel what he meant.
It's like when you know something deep just surrender no point in deciphering in scientific way nor reasoning. Have understood that the best things should remain sealed because it gives everyone an opportunity to go his way to understand his meaning of life.... It's like a beautiful kiss kissed when both eyes are closed but the connectivity which each one finds in-spite of closed eyes ( my meaning of this is the best things in the world is unseen but can be felt with great intensity). 

The daily mantra or affirmation which has helped me to bring back connectivity to you is of Sri Ramakrishna and Sharada Devi's quote "It is faith in the name of the Lord that works wonders, for faith is life and doubt is death, Be sincere in your practices,words and deeds you feel blessed, his blessings are always showered on all creatures on earth it is needless to ask for it. Practice meditation sincerely and you will understand his infinite grace, God wants sincerity , truthfulness and love". 

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Away from everyone

For quite sometime I have closed the door of my inner self not allowing anyone to enter my world.
Need this moment for some more time its contemplation time cannot be explained. After many years I am spending time with myself and have started to enjoy time alone with myself.

A couple of  friends have just walked with me silently along this phase without asking me anything 
A few have got irritated, agitated and withdrawn themselves seeing me like this ..... I understand that is the only way of their expression :)
I love all my dear friends and acquaintances I met during the journey, everyone had something to offer , forgive if my words or actions have brought discomfort during this phase of life
Oh gosh!! When I say this I feel like I have lived more than a thousand years on this mother earth :)  

I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens I can sense I am close to it. I've been knocking from the inside!